What Have You Been Learning Lately?

crazy sweetpea. My 21 year old self used the word "hella" non-ironically. She worked three jobs, went to school full time and went out dancing 3-4 nights a week. Unsurprisingly, she regularly slept in until 2:00pm on the weekends. She made a lot of lists and schedules. She loved school. She cursed like a trucker. She lost her dear friend and cousin to leukemia, and handled the news with tears and a bottle of champagne in the bathtub. She was a great record keeper. She was unabashedly, brutally honest in private, incredibly passive and non-confrontational in public. She lived in her head and could be really hard on herself. She was a wild, spontaneous party girl. She fell absolutely head over heels in love with New York City. She was an expert in turmoil creation. Recently I dug through my livejournal in search of the name of a sweet sailor I met years ago in a Hawaiian bar when I was barely old enough to be there. In looking for the gentleman's name, I en...

Say you have a bad habit. Perhaps it's a habit that is so deeply ingrained that even once you're aware of it, you cannot stop. Specifically speaking, I have a talent for attracting damaged men. As damaged as they may be, the one, real common factor amongst them is me, so the truly damaged thing is how attractive I find them. I've identified and admitted my problem, and yet, even with all this consciousness, my damagedar is just as keen as my gaydar. The one emotionally fucked man in the room and I will inevitably find each other, make a powerful connection, I will reach out and he will never respond. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. As I grow in self-love, this cycle becomes less satisfying with each heartache. I am unhappy and for the first time actually think that this is a problem to be solved. My big question is, how in the hell do you stop doing something that's so unconscious? When the people you are instantly attracted to always end up being the same type of person, I s...